Thursday, August 10, 2006

Foolish woman

I am in desperate need of some more parenting advice. It seems that my all of my children have all of a sudden become the laziest of creatures. All of them, even Jackson who used to always be willing to lend mommy a hand. I can't really identify the moment this started but now it is catching up with me and our house.

Since I am a stay at home mom and a work at home mom (only income), I am really busy all the time. Perhaps this is it. I wake up and put the kiddos on the bus and come back home to start sewing, just about everyday. I really try to get what I can get done while they are at school. I am not really sure that I have done that yet. It seems that I am always working on something till the wee hours of the night every single day. Sometimes I just don't have a choice if I want to pay the bills.

I don't want to be the foolish lady from Proverbs 14:1 "The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down." But it seems I have lost all control. I get so overwhelmed with supporting our family that I have essentially neglected my children. Not in the child social services kind of way but in the everyday routine kinda way. Are you following me?

It seems I have turned into a real "nagger mom". I ask the kids to do things around the house or whatever and then I have to go back to doing my work, only to find later that no one did what they were asked. Then I turn into the "screaming mom" who threatens or worse, I just do it myself. Big mistake, I know!

My husband seems to think that I am not hard enough on them. He talks to them on visits but he is not here to enforce his rules. I have to do it! He keeps saying "you just wait till I get home." Well, in their little minds he has already been gone a really long time and can not foresee the date when he does come home (16 1/2 mos.). I am just not sure if I can hold it together that much longer. I mean, it seems that when I take a step back and look in, it has gotten progressively worse. Please don't get me wrong, they are not bad kids, they have just taken advantage of this situation and have used it to their likings. Small things, like chores or sibling rivalry. Which I fear will turn into bigger things. They are all little sinners, I get that, I truly do. But what I worry is that I have led them in the wrong direction or rather let it go on too long and now it is a really big issue.

I am only one person and I have to do it all. From house cleaning, laundry, cooking, yard work (the grass is getting high again!), working my business, working my title researches, making cakes, babysitting...all of it. The list could really go on and on, but you get it.

Sometimes we (I) take things for granted, or I used to anyways. Even though my husband was not on the right path, he was a great dad. He had things under control, maybe not to my liking but it worked. We were a team no matter how dysfunctional it was.

Now I have to look at myself, I spent so much time trying to change my husband, maybe it is me that I really need to examine, my own behaviors, attitudes or motives. I am the only person in this world who I can control. I am still not sure I have let God take total control over every aspect of my life. I give Him just a little and say "Ok Lord, give it back, I can take it from here!" It is easier for me to grab for the control instead of the influence. Of course, then when I look back and reflect on that control, I just want to stick my head in a hole (a really deep one)!

I want to build my home, not tear it down! I don't want to be the foolish woman! I am crying out...any advice at all would be greatly received!

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