Monday, November 13, 2006

Tough Times

I have been going through some "stuff" lately. I am having a really hard time dealing with my situation in life. I have been second guessing some big decisions I have made in the past. Which has in turn brought out a lot of very old feelings that I had pushed way deep down inside. Things that I really didn't want to remember, things I thought I had forgotten. And there is a lot of hurt down there.

Tonight I went and had dessert with a really good friend (oops...shhhh) , she helped me out a lot. She asked me, of course, if I had been praying. I said yes, but I had felt very distant. It is like I start to pray and I feel empty, so I stop. I have always tried to do the right thing by everyone else and in everyone else's eyes. That is just the person that I am! And it hurts me really bad when I feel like I have let other's down. But I am only human. I have always tried to do what everybody wants me to do. Maybe that is my problem. I tried it their way and I am still not happy. I really am not sure what to do next.

I am a much stronger person now than I ever was before. I have come a really long way! Ask anyone who really knows me! But these struggles are not going away! They are right up in my face 24/7. Maybe I still have a ways to go. I am hurt and disappointed and I am tired of feeling like I have been walked all over! This is hurt that I thought I had buried a long time ago. Perhaps I just tucked it away, not too sure! But now I am trying to take a step back to look at the big picture. I will get through this time and come out on the other side with my feet planted firmly on the ground. I have really great friends that I know pray for me. I have an awesome family that I know I don't spend enough time with. Sometimes it is just easier to hide than to face the ones you feel like you have let down and disappointed. So I am gonna pray more and I am not going to stop until I can hear Him talking back to me. I am gonna pry the devil's hands from my ears.

On a much happier note.....I lost 4.8 pounds this week in WW. I am down 36.2 now. I do feel really good about that! I am getting compliments everyday! That really keeps me going. My kids tell me all the time that I look nice and that I am skinny! I never ever thought that I would be called skinny EVER!

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